


Reaching out

by Donya



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU, Aftermath, Aggression, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Breathplay, Consensual Sex, Crossing Jordan - Freeform, Cuddling, Developing Relationship, Flavoured Lube, Fluff, FrostIron - Freeform, Humour, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Loki Lies, M/M, Of course there's humour, Recovery, Rimming, Rough Sex, Saying no, Self-Esteem Issues, Social Phobia, Spanking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-01-05 22:05:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1099122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donya/pseuds/Donya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frostiron au. Loki struggles with the aftermath of sexual abuse and hopes Tony could help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony asks Loki out.

Loki was staring at the monitor for more than five minutes already, trying to understand the message from Tony. They met the other day through mutual friends, Loki didn't even want to go out but the perspective of drinking and the illusion of belonging, socialising was tempting. It was cold in the pub, Loki didn't take his jacket off. After the horror of saying hi to the strangers his friends brought, after calming down his racing heart, Loki sat in the corner, nursing a bottle of beer, occasionally laughing when they laughed. There, he was out of his cave, almost talking to someone else than himself, it was a success.

From time to time Loki tried opening up, going out, testing his luck, he knew it is bad for people to be alone, loneliness kills, yet shaking in that shabby pub he wished he was in his bed with a book. But his own company would not help him heal his wounds.

He never talked much, he was an observer. Watching people, smoothly avoiding eye contact, hoping to find out how they could be happy, what was the secret, why he couldn't feel the same. Loki was surprised Tony noticed him, they didn't exchange a word. Sometimes Loki forced himself to say something casual, normal people talk but that night he got scared, lots of strangers, the pain in his chest, his clenched throat, he could only focus on not fainting. 

Hence his shock to see an e-mail from Tony, why would he take an interest in him, why bother, he had to ask someone for his address, it was all so puzzling. The message itself, Tony wanted to meet again but it was so ambiguous, did he mean everyone, the whole group or just Loki? Was that just grabbing a beer or was it a date? Loki read and re-read the mail several times, frowning. It could also be a cruel joke, a bet. Loki knew men like Tony considered shyness a challenge. Maybe he only wanted to see what would melt Loki's ice. However, that could be the opportunity Loki was looking for. Perhaps they could use each other, no one would get hurt. 

Keeping in mind that Tony might not be actually interested in him, Loki replied in a light tone, agreeing to meet him again. Either way, it would be another night out that week, it was a progress. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The awkward date.

Loki tried not to expect too much, it might not be a date after all. He had to be realistic. All Tony saw the other day was a sullen, quiet man that only stared at the happy faces. How could that be alluring, Loki had no idea. He thought he was the most hideous, repulsive creature, yet years ago someone found it attractive, so maybe there was hope.

Prepared for everything, Loki waited patiently, sitting on a bench, hands in his pockets, reminding himself that he was in control. It was not like it used to be. It was his choice and his rules. He was ready for this, he told himself. Tony did not even suspect a thing, he might think Loki was just withdrawn, distrustful but no way he could guess the reason for it. Loki breathed in and out, calming himself. It was like playing a role, a role of a normal person, he could do it. Smile and talk and laugh, just act like everyone else. Loki learnt that sometime ago. All new people he met knew nothing of his past, he could lie and deceive them into thinking he was just like them, normal. His friends believed he was just shy or maybe still struggling with his sexual orientation. Good. Fine.

Tony was one or two minutes late, breathing fast, as if he really tried to be on time, his cheeks red from the harsh wind, his hair messy. Loki, fighting the wave of irrational anxiety, forced himself to smile and say hi, that's what normal people do. He forgot how talkative Tony was, now explaining himself, complimenting Loki's colourful scarf (what, was it too bright, stupid scarf, Loki regretted wearing it) and suggesting the nearby pub. Loki nodded, getting up and let Tony lead him there. Ok. So just the two of them. It was ok. Bearable. He could do it. Nothing wrong was going to happen in a pub.

This one was dimly lit and rather empty at that hour. Good. In public and yet without much audience. Half scared, half excited about taking such a huge step in his recovery, Loki let Tony get the beer and chose a table in the corner of the room. He wanted to keep an eye on everyone that was there and glance at the door from time to time, just to remind himself he could leave any minute.

After a few sips of his beer, Loki relaxed a bit, his smile more natural and answers to Tony's questions less defensive. It was all ok. This is what normal people do, drink and talk. He still was not sure if Tony liked him _this_ way and for the time being, it didn't matter. Loki was out, among people, speaking, it was a success already. 

After the compulsory boring discussion of their age, occupation and other seemingly important things, Tony finally mentioned their first meeting. Good. It filled the silence for some time. Loki confessed he didn't want to go in the first place but it's not good to hide in one's shell the whole life, Tony agreed and didn't get the hint, the suggestion that Loki had so many reasons to stay away from others. Instead, Tony said in a definitely flirting tone that Loki caught his eye the moment he came in. Oh. Loki blushed, feeling awkward, he wasn't good at it, what was he supposed to reply?

'But you didn't even say anything to me,' he reminded weakly. Tony smirked at him.

'I was busy choosing the right pick up line. I didn't want to scare you away or sound like a douche. Before I decided, you ran away.'

Loki remembered that, he left when he was half way between tipsy and drunk, well aware that he had to keep himself safe, get home when he was still able to think. They say the drunk does not ask for it but why risk it. So Loki got up and said bye, loudly, hoping everyone heard him. Even at that state, he was anxious that someone might not hear him and think he left without a word and consider him rude. 

'I was drunk, I didn't want to fall asleep on the table.' Good, good, humorous. It was damn flattering that Tony wanted him and tried to make the first move. 'What were you going to say?' Loki asked, proud that he was handling this so well.

'I better keep that to myself and let you think I am intelligent,' Tony laughed. 'Actually, I was glad I could just send you an e-mail, it was much easier.'

Interesting. So normal people could be anxious, too. Tony didn't pretend he was overly self-assured and it made Loki feel more comfortable. 

When Tony went to get more beer, Loki checked the time. Unbelievable. Almost an hour already and they still weren't bored with each other. Better than expected. No panic attack, no flashbacks. Loki smiled contently at Tony, perhaps it was the right time and the right person. He had been waiting quite a long time.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The continuation of the first date and Loki's evil plan.

Loki finished his second beer and already felt dizzy. He didn't need much to get tipsy, just another of his problems. It was so easy to get him drunk. Now he was anxious, Tony seemed to be completely unaffected by his beer, he would certainly want another one but that would be too much for Loki. Not only would it make him vulnerable but also honest and this he wanted to avoid. Feeling somewhat ashamed, he asked if they could leave. Tony agreed, why was it so easy?

Outside it was already dark and freezing, Loki regretted not buttoning his jacket earlier, now his fingers were numb. His breath hitched when Tony helped him with the last two buttons. Unexpectedly he was too close and it was enough to feel threatened. Damn. Luckily Tony didn't notice Loki's reaction and said something about another place he wanted to go to. Ok, ok, nothing wrong happened, everything was fine. 

Loki had no idea how to behave, it was actually his first real date. It was pathetic, even without that little shameful secret of his. Pathetic. He was almost twenty-four. Just this made him a weirdo. Maybe there were some rules that he had no idea about. Maybe he was doing everything wrong. What if Tony saw through his lies? Loki was chewing on his bottom lip nervously, he blew the last chance, years before Tony. He didn't want to repeat that mistake.

Perhaps his little panic attack was caused by hunger. He felt much better in the cosy, warm restaurant Tony chose, munching on mozzarella and tomato toasts and sipping mojito, his weakness. He thought Tony would laugh at him for choosing that drink but he only smiled kindly. What are you doing, Loki wanted to ask, stop being so nice, what is wrong with you? 

Tony couldn't stop chatting and although it was strangely natural to talk to him, Loki was conflicted, he wasn't actually interested in Tony's life, didn't want to listen about his friends or his father. He wasn't looking for a boyfriend but then he realised he needed this, dates like this to get used to Tony, to convince himself he wasn't going to get hurt. So he nodded at Tony's words, laughed not even nervously, the time passed so quickly. Loki finished his drink, devoured the mint leaves and the lime slices, and Tony still wouldn't shut up. 

Loki wasn't sure how to end that date, certainly not in bed, he wasn't ready yet, but besides that, what was he supposed to do? Tony wanted to walk him home. There was no need to panic about that, it didn't mean that Loki had to invite him in or anything, he knew that. Tony was rambling on about his apartment and the roommates, Loki was staring at his shoes, repeating to himself that he didn't owe him anything, he could say no. Tony would not force him, he wasn't that kind of a guy. There was no reason to hold his breath or shake. It was all alright.

When they reached his place and stopped in front of his door, Tony asked if they could meet again. Loki nodded, yes, it was a good idea, he just needed a few days to cool off. Or maybe more than just a few, he realised when Tony suddenly got closer and his lips almost brushed his, it happened so fast, Loki got scared and jumped away dramatically. He wasn't prepared for that, fuck, normal people don't act like that, shit. Tony laughed but not mockingly, gripped Loki's arms and pressed a little kiss on his forehead. 

After the first shock, Loki decided that he actually liked that.

 

* * *

 

He barely remember his teenage years, this is when _it_ stopped and instead of relief, Loki felt numb. He couldn't deal with the trauma, not just yet, years and years of denial and hiding in his room, avoiding people and _him_. It came back when he was around twenty, all of a sudden it hit him, now there was no escape from the shame and pain, Loki was old enough to understand how much it fucked him up, how much he lost, so much time wasted. Then a year and a half of utter despair, crying at night, self-pity, a total mental break down. It passed, though and now Loki felt almost normal, he acknowledged his trauma, mourned his lost innocence and was on the right track to recovery. There were days when he ridiculed his own pain, pff, it could be worse, stop being a pussy, worse things happen to people and no one is such a drama queen as you. 

However, during his darkest time Loki discovered all those websites for people like him, where the slogan 'it's not your fault' is shoved down one's throat forcefully and everyone is called _brave_ and not a _victim_ but a _survivor_. Loki was wary at first, he never spoke about his past, it was definitely much easier to do it online when no one heard his voice breaking or saw his tears and no one condemned him but those aggressively supportive people scared him a bit. At first he could only type, 'I have been' and that was it. He read the confessions, stories so frightening they just could not be true and it made him realise that his own story wasn't that bad. It only deepened his depression because he wasn't beaten up or cut or threatened, he didn't remember any actual violence and yet still he was doing much worse than the people who experienced such cruelty. How the fuck was that possible? They recovered, got married, had kids and Loki couldn't breathe when a man like _him_ sat next to him on a bus. They said he was doing fine, he was doing great, considering how young he was when it started and who hurt him. Beautiful lies.

He was curious. He read that some victims cannot have sex at all, unless they get drunk or take painkillers. He knew people like him either become asexual or promiscuous, he was somewhere in between. As scary as it was, he wanted to find out if he could do it. He needed to try _consensual_ sex, out of sheer curiosity and then decide if he was going to spend the rest of his life without any sexual encounters. 

Now it was the perfect opportunity. Tony didn't suspect a thing, Loki was going to take advantage of him or more accurately, of his dick. As soon as he would mentally prepare himself for it. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I could have explained what kind of help Loki expects from Tony at the beginning but haha, no. It's not a sweet, fluffy story.
> 
> Wait, it might be. Definitely a happy ending.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More noms, some bed action and discovering kinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist the temptation of making it almost humourous.

Loki was waiting for Tony, the second date and the third meeting. He felt good and less nervous than previously, until a group of teenagers standing a few metres from him started laughing loudly. That's it, Loki thought, they were so laughing at him. From what he understood, even people not suffering from social phobia get uneasy in such situation. That's an awful feeling, especially when one has millions of complexes and knows dozens of reasons why he should be humiliated in public. Loki took a deep breath and tried to explain to himself that those stupid kids didn't even notice him, they didn't care about him at all.

He saw Tony and this time it was easier to be kissed on the cheek. Loki knew it was coming and didn't freak out, such progress! Little steps in the right direction.

 

'You like food, don't you?' Tony smiled while Loki was eating his cheesecake. They were in a little café, on the first floor. Loki studied the pattern on the tablecloth and the semi-transparent curtains, and the flowers on the windowsill, wondering what would happen later. He was less tense, more open, but still not ready to have that _fucking_ sex. Ugh. He watched people sitting next to them and walking down the street, their lives were easy, they didn't have to have sex just to prove a point to themselves. 

'I'm always hungry,' he admitted, yes, it was better than half-defensive, half-aggressive 'you think I'm fat?!' Yes, the right choice.

'And yet you're so skinny,' Tony replied and he made it sound like a compliment. Loki felt his cheeks getting hot, he got stressed and that made him blush even more. The cursed blushing, the worst part of being shy. Crimson red face and too much anxiety to calm down, a vicious circle.

'Umm, yes,' Loki tried to hide his face behind the cup and suddenly regretted ordering hot chocolate. It was really thick and although it tasted like heaven and hell, it also stained his teeth brown! Dammit, fuck, shit, now what? It was already a challenge to open his mouth, now it turned into an ordeal. 

He almost fainted when Tony, who of course guessed what was going on, leant over the table and gently kissed him. Startled and somewhat flattered, Loki composed himself and after a moment, let Tony in. Another big moment. His first French kiss, first that he wanted to remember. After _that_ , he was kissed once and it was quick, very brief but for Loki it was the sweetest thing. Now, however, he got a bit lost. What in the name of fuck was he supposed to do with his tongue, like what? Admitting that he was that inexperienced would make him die of embarrassment. After the initial shock and discomfort, Loki got his shit together and shyly licked Tony's tongue, hoping it was enough. _  
_

Having shared the taste of chocolate, Tony let Loki finish his cake and again, didn't seem to want to leave yet. Loki was getting nervous. His shield- the cake and the chocolate- was gone and was it too weird to order something more? Without the food, what was he supposed to do with his hands? Damn, damn. He had a half empty pack of cigarettes in his pocket but what if that would repel Tony? Maybe he was one of those that- wait, no, Loki scolded himself, he needed to have more faith in this particular person.

'Would you mind if I smoke?' He asked and tensed. 

'You smoke? Oh thank God, that makes us two,' Tony beamed at him. How was that so uncomplicated and suspiciously easy?

Tony choked on his coffee when he saw that Loki's cigarettes were completely black and chocolate-flavoured.

'That's exactly what I imagined!' He laughed and asked for one. Feeling in control and slightly decadent, Loki filled his lungs with the smoke, glancing at Tony, who did the same. It was better not to say that in his case, smoking was an alternative for self-harm. Too scared to do something more, hmm, traditional, too anxious to resist the temptation, Loki opted for smoking, a slow and not painful way of punishing his body. Smoking kills, they say and Loki wanted to ask if that's a promise.

 

* * *

 

Again, Tony walked him home. Loki forced himself to breathe in and out, it was the time to take another step. Ok, he decided, he would let Tony in. Like, what's the worst that could happen? He had been raped already, what could he be afraid of? 

Lots of things, he realised, he was afraid of lots of things.

Having got used to the idea of inviting Tony in, Loki was still a bit lost. How do normal people handle that? Does offering a cup of coffee really mean 'come on in and fuck me'? Puzzling. And it's not something he can casually ask about because people of his age knew it already. Ugh.

'Can I come in?' Tony saved him the trouble and Loki started thinking he literally read his mind. Was that some sort of dating sixth sense that one develops with time or was it just Tony who was so special? Always there to help Loki save his face? Even more puzzling.

Inside, Loki busied himself with making coffee, it would buy him some time. He didn't break the mugs, didn't spill the hot water, he was doing great. Tony got distracted by all the books Loki hoarded over the years. It's always easier to deal with fictional characters' problems, escape from reality, allow the possibility of a happy ending. Loki remembered that _he_ once asked him, 'Why are you watching so much tv and read so many books? Can't you deal with your own life?' Hah. Hahaha. It was always amused him that he was more intelligent than that man. Weaker, but wiser.

'You sure love reading,' Tony pointed out. 'I feel very uncultured right now, the last book I read was probably some Harry Potter. Have you read it?'

 _Oh, please, it's not worth my time,_ Loki wanted to say but it seemed low to ridicule something Tony cared about, after all they already had been through.

'No, I haven't.' A perfectly good answer. 

Loki had only one chair and hoped Tony rather took it as a sign of his poverty than of being antisocial. Damn, both possibilities were enough to feel awful. Either way, Tony got the chair and Loki sat on the bed. The coffee was too hot but it was something he could focus on, better than digesting the fact that there was a man in his room, a real, breathing man in his room. Loki burnt his tongue and gladly welcomed Tony's questions about his favourite authors. Oh, good, good, Loki relaxed a bit, explaining the meaning of Boris Akunin's pseudonym and Tony nodded, as if he really knew anything about Japan and its culture. 

'So, were you one of those kids that practically live in a library?' Tony smiled and it didn't sound offensive at all, unlike all those means comments Loki heard all his life. Once, after another volleyball match that he ruined, someone told him to spend less time in a library and maybe practice playing volleyball. Loki only snorted, a venomous reply was not even necessary. Volleyball, ugh. Cursed team sports, forcing nerds to socialise.

'Yes, you know, the smell of books, the peace and quiet.' Not to mention that it was one of those places _he_ never visited, or people like him. Loki could let his guard down and breathe, he almost felt safe there.

Meanwhile, his coffee cooled down and Loki finished it quickly, right after Tony asked if he could sit next to him. Oh fuck, _oh fuck_. Loki choked out, 'Y-yes.' Tony was dangerously close and for a moment nothing happened, then Tony's hand slowly made its way to Loki's knee. It was almost ridiculous how sneaky Tony was but it helped Loki keep fairly calm. Oh, he thought, as his knee was gently touched, it was actually nice. Then the other hand gripped his waist, Loki took a deep breath he knew how it works, his first boyfriend acted the same, super slowly getting closer and closer, interesting, was that a norm, do all people behave like that, taking it slow? Or did those two smelled Loki's fear? The hand moved up, to his shoulder and turned him, so he could face Tony. Ok, ok, Loki told himself, _don't fucking panic_ , _it's just a kiss, you've done that already_ , but in the last moment, when Tony was inches away from him, Loki did panic and feeling like the most awkward, most hopeless idiot on Earth, he moved to the side and instead of kissing, he hugged Tony. _Oh fuuuuuck, fucking fuck, real smooth, real fucking smooth_ , totally not like a scared victim or equally scared virgin. What a fail, the end of the world! Loki cursed his stupid self and sighed in relief when Tony rolled with that, hugging him back, instead of running away.

It might be the weirdest thing Loki ever did, especially that he survived a real kiss earlier that day, why the fuck did he lose his shit. They were still sitting next to each other, the position was awkward and not really comfortable, but Tony didn't complain and he first kissed Loki's neck, slowly moving to his lips upwards. It tickled, bordering on unpleasant, Loki had no idea his neck was so sensitive, which was worse, he wondered, this or handling all that tongue action? Tony touched his neck and kissed him deeply, while Loki tried to breathe and do something with his tongue. How do people do it, is it something one has to practice to draw any pleasure from it?

Loki's brain froze, when suddenly he was on his back, under Tony, his mouth still occupied. Oh-oh God. _Nobody fucking panic_ , it was all ok, Tony didn't crush him with his body, Loki still could move away but that was the surprising point, he didn't want to. Not when Tony kept kissing his cheeks and forehead, nibbled at his earlobes and sucked on his neck, it became quite pleasurable, though not as much as whispered compliments Loki didn't know he craved until he heard them. Feeling Tony's hands stroking his sides and his lips brushing against his skin, it was enough to turn Loki on but when Tony said quietly, 'You smell wonderful,' Loki melted into a puddle of happiness. How did that suave fucker knew Loki was overly self-conscious and scared that he sweated like a pig and stunk like one? It was all suspiciously suspicious, unless Tony was just damn good at it, yeah, that was probable.

One button after another and Tony helped him take off his shirt. Loki didn't have time to freak out over being half naked because Tony, instead of throwing the shirt on the floor, put it on the chair, Loki almost thanked him. Almost, because a warm mouth on his nipple and fingertips on the other one, that made Loki moan in surprise. It felt good, very good, even when he felt teeth on him. The pain was small and drowned in pleasure, Loki held onto Tony's shoulders, whimpering.

'Oh you like that?' Tony raised his head and grinned at him, Loki's face was red like a cherry by now. 'Mmm?'

'Yes,' Loki heard himself. He somehow knew he actually liked it rough, maybe because it was never rough with _him_ , but since he used to be abused, everything, any kink felt shameful and wrong. Someone who has been through such a horrible experience should like only sweet love making, otherwise it means they enjoyed the abuse, ain't that right? Now, however, having tasted a bit of this thrilling pain, Loki wanted more, even if it made him a sick perv. 'Yes.'

Tony only smiled and bit the other nipple, not hard enough to break the skin but enough to make Loki squirm. It hurt so good.

Unexpectedly, Tony moved down and Loki's eyes snapped open. Shit just got real. Taking his time, Tony undid the button and opened the zip, oh fuck, Loki bit his lip, his trousers pulled down, put on the chair. Tony touched his underwear, oh no, Loki was dying of shame, he looked awful, he knew that, disgusting and repulsive, and Tony didn't like what he saw, and-

Tony's lips against his and more whispered encouragements, Loki felt his eyes water, how did Tony guess when it was necessary to calm him down? A few kisses later, when Loki stopped shaking, he felt fingers on his underwear again. Damn. Damn. He thought he could- but it was his private area, a very private area and although Tony was doing everything right, Loki acted on instinct- closed his legs and rolled onto his side. Before he could yell at himself internally for that idiotic reaction, Tony was there, lying on him, pinning him down, forcefully and nothing felt better than that, Loki moaned loudly, barely understood what Tony growled into his ear, a rough caress on his neck and that curious hand pushing between his thighs. That was perfection, exactly what he wanted. Tony palmed him, still only though the fabric of his boxers, hard. It would be such a shame if he came like that. Luckily, Tony moved back and Loki again was on his back.

'I should have known,' Tony gave him a dirty, dirty smile. 'Sweet, innocent boys like you are always most kinky.'

They laughed, Loki relieved and glad Tony didn't mind his preference. This time he raised his head from the pillow and joined their lips together. Yeah, he could be courageous sometimes. It turned even better when Tony bit his lip and pulled a bit. So hot.

Tony slipped his hands under Loki's bottom, squeezed just as hard as Loki needed but did not try sneaking under the material. What a relief, Loki thought. Then Tony sat back on his thighs and keeping his eyes on Loki, gripped his ankle and- oh!- licked his foot. Loki giggled, so he wasn't the only one kinky. He never understood why some people like feet, what's so special about that stinky, dry skin and didn't even care about the answer, not when Tony's tongue  moved up and down, it definitely tickled and felt kind of odd. Tony started sucking on his toes, oh crap, that was weird, nice and weird, Loki couldn't look away, mesmerised by the sight on his toes disappearing in Tony's sinful, sinful mouth.

Either because of they both admitted their fantasies, or maybe because of Tony's positive attitude, Loki felt somehow emboldened and lying there, almost naked and spread out, he propped himself on his elbows and said, 'Lick my foot, you slut.' Tony threw his head back and burst out laughing. Loki laughed, too, oh God, how was that even possible, he was laughing in bed, there was a man on his bed and instead of crying, Loki laughed. 

While he contemplated on his rapid progress, Tony, now licking the other foot, casually asked him, 'Would you let me fuck you?' and Loki felt everything at once- embarrassment at that blunt request- so that's how people ask about those things? Fear of letting someone, uh, fuck him but most of all, a powerful wave of arousal- just because Tony simply asked him first. Loki remembered how he hated the campaign 'Consent is sexy', what a stupid slogan but now, now he had to admit it was indeed fucking sexy. 

'Umm, maybe next time,' he replied, flustered for so many reasons and Tony didn't argue, didn't try to convince him, simply accepted his decision. Ugh, that was hot. Loki surprised himself by asking, 'How would you do it?'

The next thing he knew, he was bent in half, his knees against his chest and Tony leaning over him, holding his thighs. 

'Maybe like that,' and they both chuckled. Tony let go of his legs in favour of cupping Loki's cheeks to keep him in place. Loki was learning the filthy art of French kissing, Tony surely noticed that. It was easier now that they silently agreed on biting each other's lips. 

'What else would you want?' 

Loki blushed even more, why was Tony was straightforward about it, asking him openly about such shameful things, ugh, how do normal people talk about sex? It's so difficult. 

He knew what he wanted, something he dreamt about and then felt guilty. It was a torture to say it out loud, ask for it but he was doing so well, there was no reason to stop now.

'I-I- umm,' _great, make a fool of yourself,_ 'Could you, umm, hold my, ah, my wrists?' He moved his hands above his head and Tony followed his wish. Nice, nice, Loki thought and then Tony tighten his grip, squeezing his wrists almost too much. 

'Like this?'

'Yesss!' 

 _Yes and don't stop_ , he wanted to add but Tony lay on him, his weight felt really good. Pinned down, helpless, Loki suddenly realised he could really come like this. Tony knew that, too and encouraged Loki to rub himself against him. He was still fully clothed and didn't mind cum stains, he did everything Loki wanted and yes, it was the right time to let go. He tensed up and felt pure pleasure washing through him, Tony still holding him down, _oh, yes, oh, yes_.

When he could breathe again, Tony kissed him one last time and got up. Loki stayed on the bed, feeling slutty and sated and, arr, so dirty. And the cherry on top, when he stood up and bent over the table to get Tony's scarf, he felt a hard slap on his ass, a delicious slap that almost made him hard again, so soon. Tony took the scarf, beaming at Loki.

'We're gonna have so much fun together!' 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, sorry Hairy Potter's fans. Not my cup of tea. Boris Akunin, though, uch, I love his books.
> 
> Sorry it took so long to update, I got stuck.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flavoured lubes and the most awkward sex ever.

Loki woke up unexplainably happy and for a moment he was most confused, it was not how his mornings look like but then he remembered. All the naughty things Tony did to him, he sighed at the memory, somehow he always imagined someone just holding his wrists, not squeezing them but it was so much better, insanely hot, his hands turning numb, ah, he wanted more of it. Definitely. More.

That date was like an experiment, a test, Loki was curious how far he can go without a flashback or bursting into tears. It was very pleasant, every rough moment, lying under Tony, moaning in pain-pleasure, ah, yes. Loki appreciated Tony's attitude, asking first, not pushing him further than he wanted to and maybe most of all, the fact that Tony didn't even try taking off his clothes. For once it was Loki who received attention in bed not the other way round. Though he knew the next time it'd be different, they both would be, ugh, naked but he was hopeful, so far, so good.

In the shower, Loki noticed the dark circles around his wrists, what a nice souvenir. He touched them lightly, smiling. It was ridiculous how much he enjoyed that, given his past experience. His smile faded, he couldn't help feeling guilty now, anyone would judge him, how could he like being restrained? He hung his head in shame, yet another thing _he_ poisoned. Just like most of Loki's happy memories, even his favourite cartoon, everything was stained, dirtied, he was dirtied. Not even a shower could help. 

A wave of self-pity was stopped abruptly when Loki washed his chest and hissed at an unexpected stinging pain. Tony bit him a bit too hard and Loki was grateful for that, the little sparks of pain distracted him. He remembered the slap and the filthy compliments, he was hungry for more. He didn't know how it feels to be spanked, when does the pain stop being pleasurable, so many things to try. After years of repressing his sexual desires, Loki was ready to explore them.

 

* * *

 

'Oh no,' Loki whispered, wincing. He bit his lip and tried to look away, regretting ever coming to a sex shop. It seemed like a good exercise for self-confidence plus he needed a lube. Tony might or might not bring it, better to have one at home, just in case. Now, however, Loki wished he never had got that idea. It felt like his whole body was blushing, everyone that saw him there knew he was going to have sex, just like Loki knew the other customers were also going to do it. Damned normal people, having sex and being cool about it.

Now the problem was not the shame but the unbelievably waste range of lubes. Loki thought he wanted maybe a chocolate one or just plain, tasteless, boring lube. First he noticed a bunch of fruity lubes- banana, raspberry, cherry, nothing special, cool but not mind-blowing. Piña colada, ok, that was interesting, Loki almost picked it up but next to it was a wild strawberry one, mmm, he loved wild strawberries. How about chocolate and something fruity, he could mix them, what a mouth-watering vision, Tony licking the lubes off his chest, mmm.

'Oh no,' Loki repeated, frowning. He was staring at the sweet section, cursing silently. He wanted all of them. It was a horrible mistake to go there in the first place. Now he could not leave. Who would care about kiwi or peach lubes when right there, in plain view, there were lubes that tasted like tiramisu, apple pie, toffee, marzipan, vanilla, caramel and fudge. Heheh, _fudge_. All those sweet ones were in quite big bottles, more expensive than the little fruit-flavoured ones, ugh, but he had to have them. How immoral it is to make such wonderful lubes, how can people decide which one to buy? Loki grabbed the tiramisu one, absolutely a must. Then the marzipan one, mmm, marzipan, ah, almonds. 

Defeated and burdened with sweet lubes, Loki noticed a bubble gum lubricant and almost threw up, right in the middle of the sex shop. At once he imagined paedophiles using that lube to, umm. Disgusting. Perhaps not as much as a fisting lube. That was surprising. Loki had no idea it requires a special kind of lubrication. Apparently, it does. He was staring at the fisting lube, repulsed. He hoped Tony didn't expect that kind of entertainment.

Loki left the shop a bit anxious. Was that too weird? His choice of lubes, too crazy? Would Tony make fun of him? Loki had a sweet tooth, he couldn't help it. Anyway, it wasn't that important, what mattered was the fact that he managed to buy what he needed in a sex shop, how bravely of him. Loki rewarded himself with a nice, large hazelnut cappuccino. 

Devouring a chocolate croissant and sipping the coffee, Loki kept glancing at his wrists. He rolled up the sleeves, feeling a strange urge to be seen like this, bruised in a sexy way. Everyone would know it's from sex, yeah, Loki smiled to himself, he had lubes in his bag and bruises on his wrists. He was so going to have that sex.

He was in a slutty mood, so when his phone started ringing, his lust-fogged brain told him it was Tony. He picked up without checking the number and said in a flirty tone, 'Hi, Tony.'

'Loki? This is your father speaking.'

Daaaamn! He always 'accidentally' missed his father's calls, he was busy/the battery was flat/he muted his phone and didn't notice the call- and so on. He never felt any connection to Odin, as if they were strangers. Deep inside, Loki knew he blamed his father for being so blind. The only time someone paid attention to his odd behaviour was when, as an adult, Loki acknowledged his trauma. Suddenly he turned from a quiet, invisible boy to a rage monster that would slam the door and throw a tantrum over nothing or glare at his family when they mentioned something triggering. Only once his father tried to reach out to him, Loki hated that memory, Odin gripped his arm tightly, shook him and gave him an ultimatum, 'Either you tell me what has possessed you or stop this behaviour right now!' Loki only scoffed. There was no point in telling anything, not when _it_ was over already. Sometimes he dreamt of destroying his family by that one sentence, 'He raped me,' just three words, enough to ruin all good memories, he could set the fire and watch his family home burn. Three words and he would be given card blanche, an excuse for any madness, he would win every argument- but no one would see a human in him anymore. Anyway, telling the truth wouldn't change the past.

Years of avoiding his family and now because of Tony he had to talk to his father. Or, more accurately, listen to him. Odin also knew he didn't have much in common with his son, instead of forcing Loki to say anything, he did the talking. Boring stories of their neighbours, how Loki's mother missed him and how they always waited for him. Loki rolled his eyes, no one is as annoying as parents. Maybe they gain that superpower during sleepless nights, changing one stinky diaper after another, who knows, it's a mystery. 

'Yes... yes,' Loki repeated, as if he really gave a damn about anything concerning his family. 

'...and your brother is-'

'Oh, would you look at the time, I gotta go.' Loki turned off his phone, tempted to throw it away.

 

* * *

 

Ok, ok, ok, Loki nervously ate all jelly bears he could find in his stupid room, without even realising it. It was the day, in just a few hours Tony would see him naked and things were going to happen. Fuck, fucking fuck. It was absolutely the right time to freak out.

Loki couldn't talk honestly with anyone he knew in person but the Internet is filled with anonymous people that listen and advise. Most of them are awfully self-righteous and jump to conclusion, but some are genuinely kind and benevolent. 

Quickly, without bothering with capital letters, he described what he was going to do, hoping to hear some heartfelt encouragements. He was asked more and more questions, reluctantly, he revealed that he only started dating Tony to get laid.

 _You are doing this all wrong,_ he read and frowned at the monitor. B _ecause of your past you should not rush having sex. Spend some quality time with that man, see if he is the right person for you. You deserve a meaningful relationship, plus you will feel safer being intimate with someone you can trust. Also, you ought to tell him first that you were abused, so he will be very gentle with you._

 _no, dammit,_ Loki replied, typing angrily,  _i want him to fuck me, not to pity me. he'd run away before I could even finish the first sentence. and i don't want him to coddle me, like, people do it all the time, it can't be that bad._

_If you don't feel safe enough to say something so important, perhaps you should reconsider taking that step. I'm 100% sure your partner would do something triggering._

Fucking hell, Loki slammed the laptop lid. There's nothing worse than being rightfully criticised. He knew he was a bit reckless, but Tony seemed nice and anyway, it was too late to call it off, right? Too late to be a coward.

Loki skipped lunch, too stressed out to swallow anything. He felt panic coming, he started shaking, crap, he wished he could just get himself drunk and let it happen. Damned people warning against drunk sex. He had around an hour left, a perfect time for a good, long shower. It relaxed him, warm water works wonders for tensed muscles. He cleaned himself thoroughly, knowing that every inch of his body was going to be touched or licked or just seen.

He left the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. Instead of getting dressed, Loki sat on the bed till he was cold and anxious, chewing on his lips, trembling. Too scared to move, he was shivering but couldn't force himself to get up. Tony was on his way, Loki had to get ready but all he did was sway back and forth, gripping the towel. Fuck. He put a cigarette between his lips, found the lighter but something was wrong, he couldn't light it up. After the third attempt, Loki realised he wanted to light the filtered end. Dammit.

 

* * *

 

It was a Sunday afternoon, dark and windy, the only people they saw were dog owners who absolutely had to go out. Loki pushed his hands in his pockets, damn, he was freezing. For an unknown reason, Tony wanted to go for a walk first. Why? Loki would rather go to a nice little café, preferably uncrowded, have a cup of delicious hot chocolate, something familiar and comforting. Instead, they were almost outside the city, at the river bank, making their way through yellowed weeds, Tony rambled on about some project he was working on, Loki spaced out immediately, maths, physics, witchcraft. It was horrible, Loki started sweating from being so nervous, damn, he took the shower to be super fresh and Tony ruined that. Some pieces of sentences he registered made him even more annoyed, Tony was talking about a dog he used to have or someone had that dog, why would Loki care about that? His patience was wearing thin, very, very thin. 

'- and you?' Tony turned to see Loki's face. Damn, what was that about?

'Umm, why are you asking?' Loki tried to be clever. He was tired, not in the mood for dealing with grinning, outgoing men. Tony would never understand the inner turmoil Loki was experiencing. 

'I want to know you better,' Tony gave him a wide smile. He sounded honest and Loki barely stopped himself from frowning. It was just sex. Not a budding romance, not exchanging silly stories from their past. Loki wasn't curious of Tony's life, he would not be a part of it, they would go their separate ways, right after that date. 

'Can we go to my place already?'

'Oh, you're eager,' Tony smirked and kissed Loki. Ah, this again? Loki moved his tongue a bit, just to give the impression of kissing him back. He wanted that day to be over.

 

* * *

 

 'Any request?'

Again, Loki was under Tony, half naked and well-kissed. Such a strange thing to ask, he thought, still unused to Tony's straightforwardness. He really expected Loki to talk openly about his kinks. Loki knew he had to say it out loud to get what he wanted but it was so hard to shamelessly express his needs.

'The usual stuff, I guess,' he replied evasively, hoping it was enough. It wasn't, Tony teased him, pretending he didn't understand what Loki had in mind. 

'Fine, squeeze my wrists,' Loki mumbled, feeling blush creep up his cheeks. He was rewarded instantly and it was as better than before- he was a bit sore from the previous time. The pleasurable numbness, the illusion of being defenceless, Loki moaned, his toes curling, Tony sucked on his neck. Yes, he could get used to that. 

The real trouble started when Tony undressed him completely. Oh crap. No one saw Loki naked except for _him_. Tony didn't waste time, he placed quick, little kisses on Loki's stomach and his hipbones, then started sucking him. Loki gasped, the feeling was exquisite, a warm, wet mouth around him, a skillful tongue licking the underside of his cock, Tony took him deep without choking, making Loki almost jealous. He was too dumb to learn deep throating, the sheer idea of _learning_ something like this was repulsive. 

Way too fast, Tony released him, Loki whined in protest, it was actually the first time he let himself enjoy receiving a blowjob and -

Oh damn. Tony got off the bed and casually took off his clothes, staring at Loki, who desperately tried not to look away. Damn. Not a trace of insecurity, Tony didn't mind being watched, why would he, he looked good, Loki admitted that to himself. Then Tony removed his underwear and somehow that surprised Loki, _oh God, it's a penis!_  The sight of someone else's cock right in front of him literally muted him. That one-eyed snake was glaring at him ominously, was Loki supposed to say something? Touch it? He had no idea how to deal with it, luckily Tony settled himself on top of him.

'You should see your face. Loki, you have something like that between your legs,' he laughed, rubbing his hips against Loki's. Oh fuck, so much physical contact, Loki realised he didn't really think that through. 'Now, that we're both indecent, tell me more about your kinks.'

'Umm,' it was hard to think clearly, so much touching, Tony's skin felt hot. 'Eh, hmm.'

'Like, choking, do you like that? I can choke you, if you want it,' Tony offered with that usual horrifying casualness. Loki shook his head, no, no, it was awful, the last thing he wanted. Asphyxiation requires a special kind of trust, it's scary, frightening. Loki hated the idea of letting someone control his breathing.

'No,' he said quietly, embarrassed. Tony's hand slowly moved from Loki's shoulder to his chest and rested right under the collar bones. Loki froze.

'Really? Once I was with a guy who loved it.'

'I said no!' Loki shouted unreasonably loud and pushed Tony's hand away. Tony tilted his head but didn't comment on that.

'Ok, what else? Oh, a rape fantasy! You like that?'

'Hah. Hahahahah!' _Hahahah._

'Is that yes or no?' Tony insisted but Loki laughed so hard he felt tears welling up in his eyes. Not exactly his kind of a fantasy. 'It's perfectly normal, come on.'

'I know,' Loki lied, it was not normal, not in his view. It's such a shady thing, the thin line between consensual sex and rape. 'I- umm- I like it rough.' Oh God. He said that. 

'What a coincidence, I like it, too,' Tony gripped Loki's hips and gave a hard thrust, smearing precome on Loki's belly. 'Top or bottom?'

'Bottom.'

'Good. Now, let's put your mouth to a better use.' Tony raised himself, as if he really planned on straddling Loki's chest and fucking his mouth. The one-eyed beast got closer to its prey and Loki lost it. He thought he could handle that but one flashback after another flooded his mind. He saw himself gagging on a cock shoved deeper and deeper into his throat, he remembered tears and the bitter taste of cum, strong hands tugging at his hair and bruising his neck, no, no, he couldn't, it was too much. 

He moved back, pulling away from Tony, no way, it wasn't going to happen, no. He was nauseous already, all those times when he threw up and had to clean it up, no.

'I-I don't-' Loki hated his shaky voice and the fear emanating from him. 'I'm sorry, no, I can't- I don't-'

'What, you never sucked cock?' Tony asked lightly, unfazed by Loki's dramatic reaction. 'It's ok, you don't have to.'

Loki was stupidly close saying _thank you_. Ok, ok, calm the fuck down, he told himself but it became more challenging when Tony continued.

'Ok, can you touch me at least?'

It shouldn't be that difficult. Loki could easily touch himself but someone else- young Loki sitting next to _him_ , extremely reluctantly giving him a handjob, looking away, hoping it would stop soon. He was too traumatised, or maybe it was still too early, his wounded psyche didn't care whose dick it was, he'd zone out or cry, neither option acceptable. Well, time to exercise saying no and fighting coercion.

'No.'

Damn! That was weird, refusing something so natural, everyone touches cocks in bed, like, what a normal person could be afraid of, it's natural to show appreciation to the organ that brings pleasure. And yet Loki loathed the idea of doing so, no, he was going to keep the distance between him and Tony's cock.

'What?' Tony snorted, thinking it was a joke. 'Really?'

'Umm, I-I not- hmm-' Loki had prepared lies-  _I'_ _m asexual. I'm not exactly gay. I'm shy. I'm not comfortable with touching men,_ all of them lame and unbelievable.

'You're serious?' Tony was shocked. Who wouldn't be? Loki was an adult, a bit too late to be embarrassed of getting naughty.

'Yes,' Loki said firmly, he needed to stay calm and not let Tony force him to anything. 

'Are you a virgin?'

'No!' It felt like he never were in the first place. Somehow 'virgin' sounded like an insult. 

Tony narrowed his eyes and looked closer at Loki, damn, he knew Loki was not exactly honest.

'Is that so? You're telling me you have had sex without touching the other person?' 

'Yes.' 

'Ok,' Tony agreed sarcastically, fine, the lie was so blatant, anyone would see through it. 'Tell me how you lost your virginity.' 

It was a trap. Tony knew very well Loki was hiding something, however, people actually very rarely assume the worst, Tony didn't suspect that Loki was abused, the only comforting thing about this whole mess.

So, Loki kept lying, he described having sex with his only boyfriend with whom he only exchanged one, very brief kiss, sweeter than honey. To make himself appear less inexperienced, Loki made up a story about another guy, based on his classmate that tried to ask him out but Loki never agreed. It was actually a silly story, three long years of rejecting the same guy, only later did Loki realise he could stop it by simply telling the truth- no one wants to date a rape victim. Just like no one really thinks bald cancer patients look good. It's just a beautiful lie that nobody believes in. 

Tony listened to Loki without interrupting him. He saw Loki as a frightened virgin. On one hand, it was awful that Loki couldn't really hide his fears and play it cool. On the other hand, as a 'virgin' he would be treated gently, ergo, he was right about not warning Tony about his past. Hah! 

'Fine,' Tony pretended he accepted Loki's version. 'Now, roll over.'

Oh. Yeah, that seemed right, no eye contact, perfect. As always, Loki forgot about one crucial detail- when he raised his hips, he was actually presenting himself to Tony, letting him see everything. Loki was totally exposed and had no control. It felt shameful, he buried his face in the pillow and gripped it tightly when Tony's hands cupped his ass. Oh dear. Slow circular movements, a few well-measured squeezes, it was so good. Loki moaned silently, he liked that, even when _he_ did it. The caress got rougher and Loki focused on the sensation, instead of the memories.

Was the moment to hand him the lube? Loki had no idea, _he_ never used lube, nor did _he_ stretch Loki, it was an agony, yet probably _he_ just didn't know it was necessary. Not that it mattered- not when Tony pulled his cheeks apart and Loki felt something warm and wet on his opening. Oh fuuuck. A tongue, it was a tongue! A surprise rimming. Loki's eyes snapped open. He never tried that before nor did he expect it, it seemed wrong, how could anyone do it willingly? Tony did, sucking and licking without a single complaint. The feeling itself wasn't spectacular, a wet touch, nothing mind-blowing but Tony wrapped his arms around Loki's thighs, keeping him in place and that was, hmm, interesting. After a moment, Loki relaxed, the sharp contrast between the tongue and Tony's scruff stopped being unpleasant. But not the physical side was important. Loki was glad he succeeded in saying no and for once in his life, he was being touched and licked. He wasn't forced to do anything, that was the thing, he could just be selfish. Delightfully self-absorbed, thinking only about himself, letting Tony do the whole work. What a wonderful, indirect and weird vengeance.

'You got a lube?'

Ah, yes, another opportunity to make a fool of himself. Loki flushed dark red when he handed Tony the tiramisu lube.

'In my defence, it's _tiramisu_ ,' Loki explained weakly while Tony was laughing behind him. But the lube smelled like cocoa and the sweet praline filling and milk chocolate, a very pleasant scent. Loki really tried buying a normal lube. It wasn't his fault someone got the idea of making a tiramisu lube.  

 _Five years later_ , when Tony stopped giggling and judging Loki, he poured a generous amount on the entrance and slowly inserted his finger. Loki stopped breathing. It felt awkward, uncomfortable.

'Damn, you're tight, you feel how you're crushing my finger?' Tony's tone suggested it only supported his suspicion. 

The second finger, Loki whimpered quietly, it burnt, the stretch hurt, Tony crooked his fingers, touched him everywhere. The burn turned to a dull pain, soothed by the firm grip on his cock. What a nice distraction. Before long, Loki started bucking his hips, more into the hand but it worked anyway. 

'Just like that, good,' Tony praised him, Loki smiled, he was doing it right, he wasn't as useless as _he_ thought. At the third finger Loki moaned openly, that sweet spot inside him rubbed, teased until he couldn't take it anymore but also didn't want Tony to stop. After a little smack to his backside and removing his fingers, Tony flipped him on his back. Not enough time to ponder on that position- Tony leant over him and innocently thumbed Loki's chin. Fuuuck. It was _that_ hand, the one covered in lube. Eeew! Wet fingers on his lips, touching, the intention clear. Loki wanted to say he wasn't an enthusiast of licking things and did not enjoy, eew, his taste but he feared crossing the line, refusing this might be the last straw. Tony could stop being a nice guy.

'Open your mouth,' Tony said and Loki obliged, more or less willingly, he shut his eyes close to stop tears , it'd be such a shame to start crying over something so stupid. Two fingers on his tongue, the rest holding his chin, not even tightly, yet it was rather obvious that Loki was not supposed to move away. Hating every second of it, Loki closed his lips and licked, up and down, from left to right and between the digits. It was awful, especially when Tony pushed a little further, almost making him gag. The taste was nauseating, Loki forced his damned body to just swallow without fussing about it. Just like he used to. Fuck. He should have known it'd be like this, things in his mouth, he still heard the warning about not biting, he always promised himself he would bite the next time, just to prove a point.

Tony pulled out and kissed him, Loki was too absorbed in self-pity to do return the kiss, everything was so hard when he had to struggle with flashbacks. He realised he had a very unrealistic vision of having sex. Like now, he wished Tony would just embrace him, a little cuddling session never hurt anyone but asking for it would be too awkward. Tony gave him a dirty smile and slapped his thigh.

'Good boy.'

_Good boy._

'Don't say that,' Loki sounded cross, not caring what Tony might think. A good boy does what he's told without complaining, a good boy never says no, a good boy doesn't tell anyone about the secret.

'Ah, yeah, you're a bad boy,' Tony grinned, pinning Loki's hands above his head. Not so arousing now, when Loki was getting nervous. 'Little slut.'

Dammit.

'Don't call me like that,' Loki protested, he wasn't a slut. He could call himself names but not Tony.

'Honey? Sweetheart? Darling? is this better?' Tony was amused, clearly did not intend on using those words, much to Loki's dismay because unexpectedly he discovered that he had nothing against being called 'darling'. Was that weird? Maybe it was a mistake to do it with someone who didn't love him. However, who _would_ love him? It's something one has to deserve.

'Never mind,' he muttered cowardly.

A condom packet opened, his legs spread and lifted, oh God, it was really happening. His ass on Tony's lap, a blunt pressure at his opening. A powerful flashback, the first time, his real first time, he tried to shift away from the burning pain but to no avail. Tony started forcing his way in, Loki tensed up instantly, increasing the pain and closing himself. It hurt only because of his reluctance. Without thinking, Loki pressed his palms to Tony's hips to slow him down, it was less embarrassing than frantic pleading, 'Slowly! Gently!' Apparently, he put too much pressure and Tony took it the wrong way.

'Are you pushing me away?' He asked incredulously. Of all the idiotic things he saw Loki doing, this was absolutely the worst. So much preparation, dates, walks and Loki shoved him away. 

'Oh my God,' Loki whimpered, defeated and covered his eyes with his right arm. A total disaster. He was doing everything wrong. Or, perhaps, he was really irreparably broken.

Tony moved back, dropping Loki's bottom on the bed. He was pissed off, Loki knew that even without looking.

'What is going on?' The tone serious, so unlike Tony. There's nothing worse than cheerful, flirty people being dead serious. 'You're stretched and well-lubed, and yet you're clenching your muscles so hard I just can't go in.' 

It was the right moment to tell the truth, the whole truth. The longer Loki waited, the worse it got. He kept his eyes hidden, like a child, begging himself not to start crying because he wouldn't be able to stop. Explaining a flood of tears would be quite complicated. He failed, it meant that _he_ won.

Then he felt a soft touch on his thigh, Tony stroke his sides slowly. No one ever treated Loki that way. Soothing helped, he lowered his arm and faced Tony. No sign of anger on his face, even though Loki was so troublesome. Tony just seemed concerned and puzzled.

'This happened before?'

'Y-yes,' Loki replied cautiously. At least he wasn't lying.

'With your _boyfriend_?' Hey, no need to make it sound so ironic. The boy was somewhat shy and made a show of asking Loki to be his boyfriend. They held hands and talked about books, 'Can I kiss you?' he asked for permission first and Loki nodded, ah, sickeningly sweet puppy love until Loki broke up with him. 

'Yes.'

'And what did he do?'

Loki knew where Tony was going with those questions. He wanted to trick Loki into giving him a blowjob.  _Look how hard you made me, fix it now, you know what to do._ Loki shivered at the memory. No fucking way he was going to fall for that again.

'Nothing.'

'Hmm,' Tony nodded, digesting the lies he was being fed. 'Let me get this straight. You're not a virgin.'

'Yes.'

'You had sex.'

'Yes.'

'Anal sex.'

'Yes.'

'As a bottom.'

'Yes.'

Truth, nothing but truth so far, although Tony didn't believe a word Loki said. It was almost amusing.

'So it's not your first time?'

'Nope.'

Tony nodded, then removed the condom and got off the bed. Loki twitched, as if to stop him from leaving. Dammit, fucking hell, why didn't he just let some stranger fuck him in an alley, without all that fucking mess?

'I'm gonna go to the bathroom now and when I come back, we'll talk again.' Tony was really angry, no wonder, he wasted so much time on Loki and all for nothing. He threw the condom away and disappeared behind the door. A perfect time for a quick mental breakdown. Loki hated himself for that situation, it was all his fault, he made that happen. Damned curiosity. If he hadn't been so eager to tests his limits, he wouldn't have had to lick fingers or deal with Tony's disappointment. He wished he could just curl up with a book. Too late. Asking Tony to leave too problematic, too complicated. Loki didn't want to push Tony's buttons; he was a teasing slut, inviting him over and refusing sex, obviously that would infuriate anyone. Damn.

Tony returned and seated himself on the chair, what, did Loki repel him for good? Though it was a relief to have some space.

'You're sure you don't want to change your story?'

Loki shook his head, determined to continue with his version. It wasn't even a real lie, Loki was just economical with the truth. There was no need to share his dirty secret with Tony, whom he was never going to see again. 

'So what do you expect me to do?' 

The mood was definitely ruined. Both of them naked, Loki lying on the bed and there was no passion, no desire. Loki was sure he was the worst bottom Tony ever dealt with. What an achievement. 

'Fuck me,' Loki demanded, so much humiliation, he could as well carry on.

'Even though you're lying to me? You could have told me it's your first time,' Tony snapped, thinking he could make Loki feel guilty. Hahah. Not fucking likely. 

'It's not my first time' Loki repeated stubbornly. Tony glared at him for a moment, making up his mind and finally told Loki to assume the previous position. Fine. It was better, the penetration wouldn't be that deep and Loki could hide his face. Great. Perfect.

Ass up, head down, Loki folded his arms and bit back a moan when Tony resumed licking him. He was losing his patience, the foreplay was not necessary and now rather annoying. More lube, fingers spreading him, Loki gripped the pillow, pressing it to his mouth to muffle the sounds he was making. The rustle behind him, Tony opened another condom, one hand on Loki's hip and the cock pushing inside him.

'Relax, stop clenching.' 

Loki tried, lost in the sensation and countless memories, he considered turning his head to check if that was really Tony, not _him_ again but then he was filled and all thoughts stopped. Throbbing pain vanished quickly, Loki started breathing again, his knees shoved further apart. It wasn't as bad as he remembered. Little thrusts, slow and careful gave him enough time to adjust, he panted with each push, feeling as if Tony forced the air out of his lungs.

Tony sped up gradually, his hands wandering on Loki's body, toying with his nipples, stroking his cock. It felt good but not spectacular, the only highlight was pulling his hair, Loki arched his back, staring at the wall, still fairly composed. Tony grunted above him, well, one of them was having fun. Loki had no idea how long it lasted, probably not long, Tony must have had enough and just wanted to finish. He came with a long moan, Loki followed him soundlessly a moment later.

Having got rid of the condom, Tony lay next to Loki, not too close. What, no cuddling? Why not? In spite of his personal space issues, Loki needed a hug now, he was confused, tired, unsure how he felt. A little comfort would be nice, even if it'd involve smelling Tony's sweat and listening to his heavy breathing. Tony, however, made no move to close the distance between them, it was strangely hurtful. At least he didn't look cross anymore.

Ah, the post-coital awkwardness, still better than leaving _his_ room with a handful of his clothes, Loki remembered that walk of shame. Glancing at Tony, he wondered if it was wise to open his mouth. Probably not.

'Are you angry with me?' Dammit, Loki. A pathetic, badly disguised plea for an endearment. Loki didn't realise he was that vulnerable.

'I wasn't angry, I just don't like being lied to.' 

He did lighten up, laughed telling Loki the story of how he lost his virginity. A carefully planned date, flowers, wine, the girl's parents were supposed to come home late. She drunk too much wine and ended up vomiting, days later they casually did it in the bushes between the train station and the roundabout. Loki frowned, people who fuck up their first time annoyed him. Bushes? Cold, dirt, noise, really? But, well, who was he to judge?

 

* * *

 

Loki imagined taking a shower seconds after Tony left, then changing the sheets, but instead he lay there, dirty and sweaty, thinking. He was a bit disappointed. A couple of thrusts and that was it? Where was 'howling for release' and an 'earth-shaking orgasm', passion, waves of pleasure? Consensual sex was supposed to be a mind-blowing experience, yet Loki neither screamed nor bucked back, nothing. Hmm. 

On the other hand, it wasn't that bad, given the amount of mood-ruining moments, Loki's stupidity and the third person that was in the bed the whole time, although only in Loki's mind. He knew he practically begged Tony to lose his temper, damn, the guy needed a medal for his patience. It really could have been worse.

He opened his laptop, yes, time to boast about whoring himself. He admitted not expecting fireworks and not seeing any, yet omitted ugly details. The replies only made him regret everything.

 

_you ARE normal...and rape doesn't count...this WAS your first time...and the first time with this guy...so things will be better next time...but you did it! congrats lovely!_

 

_That's great. It is of course up to you but I'd think about telling your boyfriend about what happened to you. I'm sure he would be understanding and if something happens when you're being physical later on like a flash back of something like that he'd know what is going on. That was he can help you through the recovery and just give you a big hug and hold you if something goes wrong knowing that it has nothing to do with him._

_the first time is always strange, it's hard to enjoy it when your tensed and stressed out. but it gets better, you learn what you like. gotta be open about your needs_

 

_You are not an ugly filthy whore but a loving young man who deserves to have a normal loving relationship. It is not your fault that you were raped. You were only a child. I just want to affirm that you have no reason to put yourself down and degrade yourself. If he is worth having a relationship, I think he will understand._

 

_Tell him your past. If he is anywhere close to decent, then he will be able to help you. It should bring you closer as a couple if u share the trauma. so glad u had a good experience with him. Best wishes in your relationship journey together_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yes, flavoured lubes. All those mentioned here are real *marzipan*
> 
> I know there's a similar fic, in which Loki was abused by his father but I never read it because I like Odin. I hope my fic is not much worse.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the most awkward sex ever, Tony does not give up and Loki. Loki sees that as an opportunity to lose face for good.

The following day Loki relaxed and chose to focus on the positive side of his disastrous sexy time with Tony. Sure, it was awfully embarrassing and not exactly pleasurable but hey, Loki overcame his fears. He got laid. That's a kinky equivalent of curing arachnophobia by letting a spider walk on your hand. Having sex after all those years, for the very first time willingly, that was awesome. Loki proved that he was strong enough to open up to another person, even if only for a few moments.

He wore a smug smile the whole day, wondering if the people who saw him knew. Was he glowing, could they see a suggestive bruise? He had sex, there were marks all over his body that told the story. Loki let someone fuck him, the faintest pain every time he sat down reminded him of that and his grin became more wider, if that was even possible. Look at me, he wanted to say, everyone, look, I did what you do so casually, I'm normal now, finally one of you.

He didn't even try to hide his satisfaction and was asked if he was high, clearly that would be the only explanation of his good mood. Should he take that as an offence? No, still so pleased with himself, he felt strangely at peace, less angry at the whole world, less vengeful. So consensual sex really does relax people, who would have guessed.

 

Later that day, Loki snuggled under a blanket in front of the tv, nursing a steaming mug of milky coffee. He deserved that, after all the stress of the previous evening. While he wondered if he did want to eat an entire bar of nut chocolate, a loud ringing sound made him jump and spill the coffee on pretty much the whole city. Dammit! He should have just turned his phone off. Too late, Tony was asking if he could come over. For what? Loki did not need him anymore, he was done with making a fool of himself in front of a self-confident, _normal_ person.

Not knowing why, Loki let Tony invade his little sanctuary for the third time. The only possible explanation would be the bribe Tony used- he brought hot pizza and cold beer. No one could refuse that. Loki barely registered Tony's suggestion to watch some sport on tv. The choice of entertainment became much less important when Loki grasped his slice of pizza. Thin crust, melted cheese and red pepper, in other words- heaven.

Between the slice number two and three, Loki discovered that Tony ate much slower and did not drink his beer in one go. Damn, was that something Loki should be embarrassed about? Being so greedy? Also, they were sitting on the bed, next to each other. Did Tony expect sex? As a form of gratitude? For food? To his horror, Loki remembered he was wearing a rather unflattering pair of underwear. There was no way he would show it to anyone.

'You were hungry, weren't you?' Tony laughed and handed Loki another slice. 'Eat some more.'

What was that? An unusual seduction technique? A way to force Loki to touch Tony's dick? Or maybe he thought that Loki was too thin, too ugly? Did that even matter? Full of cheesy goodness and delightfully bitter beer, Loki felt content and heavy. So when a sneaky hand touched him _there_ , he did not protest. Not a single word of his weirdly-patterned boxers. Tony must have seen worse.

It was so strange, seeing a man kneeling between his thighs. Tony's lips were still warm and greasy from the pizza, his hands comfortingly large and rather gentle. After a few lazy licks and tender pumps, Tony casually opened his mouth and took Loki in. Without the tiniest sign of discomfort or shame, without choking. Loki froze, unable to decide what he was supposed to do. Sucking felt wonderful, of course, and the tightness of Tony's throat. He seemed very dedicated, Loki chose to cooperate and placed his hand on the back of Tony's head. That's what people do, it's natural but then it returned to Loki- a mental image of himself, much younger, sucking _his_ cock so reluctantly, so unskillfully, his head trapped between strong hands. Loki quickly moved his hand and awkwardly covered Tony's, somewhat embarrassed by the sweetness of that gesture. Tony didn't mind, his thumb brushed Loki's index finger in the lightest caress. Loki sighed, relieved, he wasn't forcing Tony to suffer, it was all alright.

Arched back and a muffled groan, Loki came right on Tony's tongue, half appalled, half excited about that. Slightly disoriented by pleasure and alcohol, Loki didn't notice if Tony swallowed or spit out, he focused on stopping himself from saying 'thank you'. A nice blowjob doesn't happen too often. Hopefully, reciprocation was not required, it was way too early for that.

Tony got up and leant down for a kiss. Loki obediently parted his lips, prepared for some lingering taste of his seed. What he was not ready for was a flood of thick cum mixed with saliva, Tony gladly shared the gift he had just received. It was too much for Loki, too many awful memories. The next thing he knew, he was vomiting on Tony's legs and feet. He saw bits of the crust and pepper, come and beer. Acid taste in his mouth was probably better than the repelling bitterness of cum. But Tony!

Loki spat out as much as he could and sobbed. Tony's shoes and trousers disgustingly wet, the floor- everything ruined, Loki ruined the perfect date, wasted the food and puked on the only good man who had ever wanted him. Deeply distraught by his own stupidity, Loki pressed his forehead to his knees, refusing to face Tony ever again. Only then did he realise that his hair was held in a fairly loose grip and remained clean. Also, a hand massaged his back in a soothing manner.

'Oops,' Tony said finally, oddly cheerfully. 'Ok, my fault, didn't warn you, I'm sorry. You all done? Want some water?'

Loki opted for crying and insulting himself, yet moments later he was in the bathroom, rinsing his mouth and washing away tears and spit. Tony cleaned his shoes, put his pants in a plastic bag and borrowed a pair of Loki's jeans. He looked horrible, like a dwarf but did not complain. One quick kiss on the cheek and he was gone.

Loki laughed and cried every time he recalled that night.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony indulges Loki.

Cloudy and cold Saturday morning. As a responsible adult, Loki decided to spend it in bed, watching cartoons, devouring salted crisps and drinking hot cocoa. A perfectly healthy way to cope with stress, much better than rocking back and forth, wrapped in a blanket and muttering, 'Why am I so socially awkward?' Tony did not contact him since the cum accident. He must have been disgusted with Loki, maybe he told everyone what happens when someone is kind enough to give Loki a blowjob.

Loud knocking on the door startled Loki to the point of dropping his mug. Who dared to interrupt his self-pity party? Oh God, what if that was his mother? Or Tony? Quick, hide the embarrassingly large pack of crisps! Replace cocoa with coffee! Put on some pants!

'Loki, are you in there?'

Natasha? That was the last person he might expect. She was one of those highly intimidating girls that win every argument and wear high heals just to use them as a weapon. Loki appreciated the fact that she was not his enemy but most often was too scared to say one word to her, afraid that she would snap at him for no reason.

There was no point in staying quiet and pretending he was not there, surely she sensed his presence. Not wanting to cross her, Loki opened the door.

'Can I come in?' She asked, purely rhetorically as she passed him and walked in. She did seem angry already, Loki tried to gather enough courage to face her. He took his time closing the door, asking himself why he did not realise his dream of living in the woods, far away from nosy people.

'Is this true what I've just heard?' Natasha didn't raise her voice but she was obviously upset. 'About you and Tony Stark?'

Now it was all clear. Tony did inform everyone who cared to listen that Loki is the worst person to get intimate with. Well, time to find an abandoned cabin and buy a generous supply of dark chocolate to cure sorrow.

'That's not true!' Loki exclaimed and to support his lie, he blushed. 'I mean, I ate too much and it happens-'

'What?' Natasha stared at him in confusion. 'Is this true that you two are dating?'

Oh. Well. Loki chuckled nervously, relieved. His dirty secret remained a secret.

'Dating is such a strong word,' he began and gestured to his only chair. Natasha sat down and he took a seat on the bed. 'We're just, umm, err-'

 _Yeah, we're what?_ Fear of commitment did not let Loki perceive Tony as his boyfriend. Disappointment would be to painful. 

Natasha took a deep breath and shook her head. 'You chose the worst person, Loki. Stark doesn't care about anyone but himself. He's not good enough for someone like you.'

'Like me?' Loki echoed, sounding outraged. How could she just come to his flat and rub it in his face that's he worse than other people?

'Oh, don't get mad, you know what I mean. Let's be honest, you're _wounded_ and vulnerable, while Stark is too shallow to even notice that. He may hurt you, more or less unintentionally.'

Loki was about to vehemently deny that accusation but his eyes filled with tears at the word 'wounded'. Then he remembered how awful it felt when Tony did not touch him after their first time or when he made Loki lick his fingers. Or that tragic cum situation. That also reminded him how often he was advised to tell Tony the truth, to avoid such treatment. Everyone was right, Loki did not think that through.

'You see, you know I'm right,' Natasha said without satisfaction. She guessed that he had been taken advantage of at some point in the past and pitied him. On one hand, Loki wanted to cry on her shoulder, on the other, he wished she would just disappear from his life. 'What you need is a kind, understanding, loving man.' Or therapy, Loki knew she thought that.

'But I like him,' he whispered, hoping his voice didn't shake noticeably. Starting anew, with another stranger? Going through that again? That was beyond Loki.

'Does he treat you well?'

Tony's hand almost touching Loki's neck, Tony's irritation when he thought he was pushed away, kissing Loki with a mouthful of cum. The sex could have been better but it was Loki's fault, no one else is that troublesome.

He looked away to hide tears when a memory came back. He was around eight and sang a song to himself, in his room, one of the lines was 'love me, love me' and then he heard _his_ voice from the hall, full of contempt, 'Who would ever love you?' So wasn't it better to settle for someone like Tony? Someone who would not love him anyway?

'Do you want me to talk to him?' Natasha put her hand on Loki's arm, which made things much worse, her soothing gesture infuriated him. He could feel sorry for himself, she could not.

'I'm fine!' He yelled. Don't all normal people enjoy reaching out to broken, damaged, lost creatures, just to feel better about themselves? 'I don't need your help.'

She gazed at him, unfazed by his outburst and after a moment left without a word. Fine! Loki did not care about her. Her opinion on his fling with Tony was completely unimportant. 

He was supposed to find himself a nice man who would make only sweet love to him, with whom Loki could have a wholesome relationship, based on mutual trust and respect. But if he did not want that? What if he preferred uncomplicated sex and lies? 

  

Thoroughly aggravated, Loki surprised himself by calling Tony and boldly asking him to come over. Sex might not relax him but it would be a distraction.

However, when Tony was finally kneeling behind him, Loki could not stop thinking about what Natasha said. Well, that's a progress, the last time there was one additional person in bed with him and Tony, now there were two.

'You like that?'

'Yes,' Loki answered, not knowing what Tony was asking about. One more lie, it didn't matter. He hugged his pillow tightly and glared at the wall in front of him, planning to ignore Natasha, that would teach her a lesson! She would regret her inquisitiveness! She would regret losing such a wonderful friend as Loki! Who doesn't dream of having a sulking, anxiety-ridden friend? She would be so sorry for-

'Ah!' He gasped loudly, taken aback by the sudden burning feeling down there. Ah, yes, he was having sex, right. Tony's cock stretched him so much, causing discomfort bordering on pain. Loki shifted, whimpering, it's not that easy to accommodate something so thick and hard. Tony slowed down but kept pushing in, until his pelvis met Loki's bottom. At that point Loki felt paralysed and mute, at least he forgot about Natasha.

'Are you breathing?' Tony laughed, as he used his knee to push Loki's legs further apart. 'Deep breaths.'

Easier said than done, Loki thought, especially when Tony held his wrists down and began to thrust. Slowly, shallowly, till the pain melted away. It contrasted with the strength with which Tony squeezed his wrists and it all drove Loki mad. Before he realised, he started to rock his hips backwards, encouraging Tony to stop being so gentle with his ass.

'Tell me what you want,' Tony demanded roughly and forced Loki's hands higher above his head. It was too much and not enough at the same time.

'You know what,' Loki spat but it sounded like a plea. His fingers going numb, Tony's breath on his nape, anticipation of pleasure... He was getting used to having that kind of sex.

'What was that?' Tony seemed to be determined to break Loki's wrists. That would be awfully difficult to explain to a doctor. Loki squirmed, whined into the pillow, it hurt so good. He could not break free, he was helpless to stop him and knew that Tony was playing that game only to please him.

'Ah! Loki's entire body was shaking. He struggled, half-heartedly, to release himself. Only when it really became unbearable, he cried out, 'Fuck me, please!'

'Good boy,' Tony praised him ironically and this time it did not bother Loki. His poor wrists pulsated with pain when Tony let go of them. They were going to bruise nicely. 'It was not that difficult, was it?'

'No, it wasn't,' Loki replied breathlessly. He wanted to rub his hands, make sure there was no permanent damage, yet, without being told, he kept his aching arms on the pillow. Tony moved back, took hold of Loki's hips and pulled them towards himself.

It never occurred to Loki what exactly he got himself into. Tony was not a hormonal teenager, too aroused to last longer than a minute. Now they did not waste so much time on foreplay, Tony fucked into him without losing his rhythm for what seemed like an eternity. That was something completely new for Loki, instead of asking for it to end, he hoped that Tony would never stop. Although his hole was sore, his throat burning from screaming, he begged for more, wished Tony could fuck the misery out of him.

 

The following morning Loki was unreasonably happy. He was wearing dark bracelets on his wrists, had to use both hands to hold a mug, discovered the hard way that he should not bend down. And yet he smiled to himself. The burden he had been carrying everywhere did not disappear but it became lighter.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki discovers the real joys of sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Podołałam! Nowy rozdział, w końcu.

_Why am I doing this to myself_ , Loki wondered, curled up on the bed, staring at a speechless Tony. _Why am I my worst enemy?_

That could have been another peaceful day of celebrating his solitude and social exclusion. But no, Loki had to punish himself by allowing Tony into his bed, again. This time some evil force encouraged Loki to be honest about his sexual preferences and that was the cause of the severe shock Tony was now experiencing. His kinky mind had a hard time processing the following information- Loki had absolutely refused rimming and blowjobs, and that was non-negotiable. The fact that Loki kept the reason to himself- the fear that Tony would demand reciprocation- wasn't much of a consolation.

Loki knew he was asking for trouble, begging for it. It was obvious that Tony did not expect such restrictions, Loki couldn't blame him because who on earth refuses to receive a good blowjob? Only someone as messed up as Loki.

'Wait, let me get that clear,' Tony finally said, 'neither of us sucks cock nor has it sucked, or enjoys rimming and you are going to just lie here, without even looking at my dick?'

'Y-yes,' Loki replied quietly, he was on the verge of  tears. He was told so many times that it's up to him what he wants to do with his body but his demands were ridiculous, even he could admit that and Tony had a right to be so bewildered.

Tony nodded, looked away and finally asked, 'So what do you suggest we do?'

Loki secretly hoped for some cuddling but would rather die than ask for it. He mumbled something incomprehensible to buy some time, letting Tony come up with suggestions. The whole situation was so awkward and made him nervous, why was he doing this to himself?

'Are you religious?' Tony asked all of a sudden. 'Is that what it's all about? Do you think we're committing a sin here?'

'Oh my God,' Loki groaned and had to muster all his strength not to punch himself. Why didn't he think about this excuse first? It was brilliant. A religious background as the cause of sexual inhibitions, of course. It's less shameful than being sexually abused. 'Yes! My parents are very religious and conservative!'

'This explains a lot, 'Tony admitted with a smile, relived that Loki wasn't hiding a much worse secret. 'So, since we have a confirmation that you're indeed a very bad, bad boy, have you ever been spanked? We can try now, if you want.'

Loki only nodded, consumed by shame and feeling extremely uneasy. He was about to lie on his front on the bed when Tony patted his lap, grinning wickedly. Fine, it couldn't get any worse. Soft touch of Tony's hand on Loki's bottom quickly became harder. The first smack was unexpectedly gentle, Loki tensed up and whimpered before the absence of pain became clear.

'This is just the warm up,' Tony explained, rubbing Loki enthusiastically. No eye contact and strong physical experience helped Loki unwind. He didn't have no tell any more lies or face Tony, feeling guilty. After a few more slaps, it stopped bothering him how exposed he was on Tony's lap, that vulnerability was his choice and he knew Tony wouldn't push him past his limits. Sharp, stinging pain was a good distraction, the even rhythm of increasingly hard blows freed Loki's mind from all intrusive thoughts, he was almost in a meditative state. When it was over and his pliant body was rolled on its back, it dawned on him it was the first time in his life that he felt completely at peace and relaxed in the presence of another man. He even took the liberty of initiating a kiss, without shame or fear.

'I knew you would love it,' Tony smiled and parted Loki's legs. 'You're not going to push me away today, hmm?'

The memory of their first time, when Loki panicked and held onto Tony's hips to slow him down, finally felt less shameful. Loki accepted the fact that he was under a lot of pressure that day and his little lies didn't help matters. The good thing was with each time they had sex, Loki was becoming more aware about his needs and less terrified to clearly communicated them. Refusing some of Tony's suggestions was not catastrophic, Loki was not called an ungrateful tease. Everything was better than expected. Even the position Loki found himself in, on his back with his bottom lifted, didn't frighten him, although he used to be taken like that in the past. He simply settled for keeping his legs on the bed, avoiding wrapping them around Tony's lower back. At that point, Tony was probably used to Loki's weird demands and didn't comment that. Perfect, Loki thought happily.

It remained a mystery what made that particular sexy time different, the spanking, Tony's attitude or the position. Loki quickly solved the problem of facing Tony by embracing him tightly. That was great solution, Tony could kiss Loki's neck the whole time, while Loki's facial expressions were not seen or judged. His body adjusted faster than previously and all he had to do was to enjoy himself and let Tony do all the hard work. However, in one moment he felt something spark inside him, a sensation so strong it was bordering on painful. He let out a surprised moan, Tony lifted his head and smirked, as if he knew what was going on. He carefully aimed the next shove, hit the spot on and on, while Loki was losing his mind rapidly. It had never been like that, he heard euphoric moans and realised it was his voice, changed by an unbelievable amount of blinding pleasure. His nails raked the skin on Tony's back, while Tony's cock continued nudging the sensitive spot. The tension built up rapidly, without a warning a powerful wave of white hot pleasure flooded Loki, starting from his middle. He arched up as much as he could and screamed, all self-control gone, his body shook, muscles in his ass clenched and unclenched. And it just kept going, the orgasm prolonged by a series of hard thrusts. When Tony finished, Loki was half-conscious, lying motionless, too wrung out to do anything else than whimpering.

'What do you say?' Tony chuckled as he withdrew slowly. Loki groaned, oversensitive.

'Oh my God, what was that?' He laughed breathlessly. He felt delightfully broken, his limbs numb, mind blank, the area from his knees to lower back seemingly filled with some thick, warm liquid. His hole was still pulsing, throat burning from screaming. He got his earth-shattering orgasm, yet he definitely wasn't prepared for it.

'Yeah, someone as experienced as you might indeed be surprised,' Tony said ironically, that smug bastard. 'It's called anal orgasm and you are welcome.'

'Oh,' Loki nodded, lost for words. He noticed Tony's hand disappearing between his shaking legs and seconds later, Loki almost jumped to the ceiling. The lightest touch was a torture. 'Fuck!'

'Sorry, I was just curious.' Tony lay down next to Loki, humming happily, pleased with himself. 'Seriously, thank me.'

'Thank you,' Loki replied obediently, still in the state of shock. So that kind of orgasm was even possible? And achievable for people like Loki? The intensity of it was worth every humiliating moment he suffered.

'You should have seen your face. You were fucked out of your mind,' Tony could not stop bragging about his sex skills and honestly, he had a good reason to do it.

'That explains a lot,' Loki admitted. Freed from all the bad memories and insecurities, he opened up to Tony completely and was rewarded with an overwhelming sensation. 'One question, when will I feel normal again? I can't move. You broke me.'

'Maybe an hour. And this time you're definitely gonna walk funny. Yup, I'm this good.'

Tony wouldn't be himself if he didn't lick the cum off Loki's belly and chest. Loki didn't protest, he was stuck there, dirty and exhausted, someone had to clean him, preferably the person responsible for that explosion of cum.

'It felt great for me, too,' Tony muttered against Loki's navel. 'The way you squeezed me, it's amazing. And the sounds you were making, goodness, you've never been that vocal in bed, at least not with me.'

'What will my neighbours think?' Loki worried. He must have sounded like a porn star trying too hard. 'Next time cover my mouth.'

'Ok. I'll try not to forget but you distract me, I'm not sure I'll remember what to do with your mouth.'

'No, please, stop talking about sex, I need to cool down.'

When Tony finally left, Loki managed to get up and limped to the bathroom to take a shower. It was the most exciting shower in his life, loud gasps, careful washing down there, imagining Tony was still with him. Afterwards, Loki abandoned the idea of putting on pyjamas, bending over was out of the question. He just lay down on his front and fantasised about having more sex with Tony. Not because he began to care about Stark, no, he was just curious if the mind-blowing orgasm could happen to him again. That was it, nothing more. Also, he felt deeply satisfied, it turned out that he was not robbed of his right to enjoy sex. It was difficult but not impossible. What a glorious discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm determined to finish this story because I love the ending, so any sign of appreciation would be greatly appreciated.  
> Next time Loki and Tony have plenty of enjoyable sex. 
> 
> I've started working on the next chapter.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Tony do fiku miku and eat popcorn. Things happen.

Loki could not help himself and returned to the online forum for rape victims. He had delightful news to share and wrote a post about his unexpectedly wonderful and enjoyable sex with Tony. That happened to be his most popular post so far, people congratulated him and called him brave, and said he was not as damaged as he thought. Loki grinned, reading the replies and thought how weird it would be from the perspective of a normal person- a bunch of wounded outcasts getting all excited about their awkward sexual encounters and supporting one another in the quest of having a relatively normal sex life. How pathetic it sounded. Of course, several persons urged Loki to come clean to Tony, as that would simply things between them. Loki disagreed, he was so used to lying all the time, telling the truth seemed nearly impossible and awfully dreadful.

 

For the first time, Loki wasn't dying from anxiety before a date. Tony and sex didn't frighten him that much anymore. The whole concept of allowing someone else control his body was not as scary as it used to be. Plus, Loki was curious if the amazing orgasm he had the last time would happen to him again. He trembled at the memory of the most powerful feeling he had ever experienced. Worth the effort of trying again.

Taking off clothes in front of Tony still felt awkward. Nothing protected Loki when he was nude, all of his flaws exposed, his not ideal body on full display. His ugly, ugly body that he struggled to accept and didn't succeed so far. Also, it took a lot of concentration to push away thoughts of his reluctant stripping right before another session with _him_ , when Loki, silent and defeated, would slowly unbutton his shirt, hoping his parents would come home earlier.

Lost in thought, Loki flinched when Tony touched his hip and blushed terribly in a result. How could he explain they were not alone but accompanied by a young Loki and his tormentor? For Tony everything was straightforward, sex was a pleasant activity and he had never suspected how challenging it could be for people like Loki.

'Lokes, did you forget I'm here?' Tony smiled and nudged Loki towards the bed. 'On all fours.'

Loki did as he was told, at the same time trying to shake off the disgusting feeling that the painful memories always brought. A mixture of repugnance, unwillingness, shame and regret. 

'You know what I was thinking?' Tony asked rhetorically as he circled Loki's opening with a pad of his finger. 'I could get you a ball gag if you're really that concerned about the noise.'

'No, no,' Loki shook his head, picturing himself gagged and bound, unable to say no or leave. 'No, no, no. No.'

'Ok, I heard you the first time.' Tony stopped teasing him and slid his finger in. Loki whimpered a little, it only felt good with two or three fingers. 'Oh, and what's the deal with you and Natasha?'

'What?' Loki jolted, startled. 'Why are you asking? Did she tell you anything?'

'Well, yeah. Apparently in her opinion, I'm taking advantage of you. She said you're vulnerable and I'm using you. What did she mean by that, hmm?'

'Oh my God,' Loki groaned into his pillow. That was one of the reasons why he never confessed into anyone- they might take matters into their own hands and babble out his shameful secret. He remembered a story told by a girl who had troubles with her demanding mother and her friend threatened to tell the mother about the sexual abuse of her daughter that she did not notice. He hoped Natasha suspected other forms of abuse, maybe bullying or mobbing. After all, sexual abuse is the last thing people want to think about.

'Loki, did you tell her something weird? She practically accused me of, you know, raping you-'

'Stop, stop talking, stop, stop, stop it,' Loki interrupted him. The r-word was the last thing he wanted to hear in that situation. 'You misunderstood her. She misunderstood me. It's all one big misunderstanding.'

'If you say so.' Tony let it go, too impatient to press the matter. He added more lube and carefully inserted another finger, and another. Loki didn't stifle a loud, throaty moan that escaped his lips, all the right places rubbed just right. He focused on that and stopped thinking about all those things he had no control over.

Tony scooted closer and pushed Loki's legs further apart. It excited Loki, he knew what was going to happen next. Tony's hands on his hips, the head of his cock, hot and hard, pushing inside and stopping. Before Loki looked over his shoulder to see what made Tony pause, his hips were pulled back roughly until he was fully impaled. His loud 'Oh!' echoed around the room and probably alerted all of his neighbours. The exhilarating sensation of utter fullness with a hint of stinging was intoxicating, Loki almost wished that Tony didn't move, to make it last. Now that he knew what to look for, he himself moved his hips, testing various angles until he found the right one and screamed in surprise. Tony laughed and his hands slid from Loki's middle to his shoulders, using them as a leverage for his thrusts. Loki hardly believed it was really happening, a secret fantasy of his came true. That position was a bit too submissive for his taste, but deep inside he loved it.

His body was rocked forward and dragged back to repeat it and nothing could prevent him from openly expressing his ecstasy. He stopped being a completely passive bottom, now he moved together with Tony, increasing the pace and assuring Tony that he was not too rough. The build-up to his orgasm started too early for his liking and Tony didn't even touch his cock. He read somewhere that delaying orgasm makes it more intense and he was ready to hold off his release but then, out of the blue, he felt a sharp pain in his scalp, Tony yanked his hair back, hard and that was the last sensation Loki needed. He yelled uncontrollably, shivering and convulsing under Tony. He bucked, squirmed, instinctively trying to crawl away from Tony and the onslaught of too harsh strokes to his very sensitive spot. Tony let go of his hair and instead covered Loki's shoulder blades with his palms and pressed down hard to keep him in place while he sought his own pleasure. Loki wailed but stayed put obediently until Tony finally slumped over him, gasping for breath and mouthing at Loki's neck.

The post-orgasmic haze was even better the second time when Loki knew what to expect. It felt like floating in warm water, after a few drinks, after a good full body massage and sipping hot chocolate. A complete relaxation. Nothing bothered Loki any more, he was so unusually at peace with himself and the world. A natural sedative calmed him so much he could fall asleep any moment. That was something new for someone as anxious as Loki.

Tony was still on top of him and that was the closest they came to proper post-coital cuddling. Loki enjoyed it immensely, even though breathing was a real challenge. The solid weight of Tony's body restricted his movements and he didn't have it in him to deny that it felt good.

'Oh, you know what? Next time we should listen to music while fucking,' Tony suggested excitedly. 'Say yes, I'm already creating a track list in my mind.'

'Ok, but none of the songs I like, I'll feel dirty listening to them later,' Loki said and was about to tangle their legs when Tony sat up. His recovery time was way to short. Loki stayed where he was, boneless and slightly disappointed. Couldn't Tony stay for a while? He was ok with foreplay but not with the after sex cuddles? The simplest solution was honesty, yes, but the fear of rejection stopped Loki from saying anything.

 

After Tony left, Loki still felt empowered by the sex and had wild thoughts about having a serious conversation with Natasha. Sadly, he didn't take his chance and the temporary confidence wore off. He realised she might ask him directly if he was molested, coerced by Tony. In response, he would probably start crying and thus confirm that indeed something was wrong. The best option was to avoid Natasha and distract Tony with sex if he ever returned to the dreadful rape accusation.

 

The next time Loki was definitely in the mood for sex and Tony sensed it. As they walked to Loki's place, he kept accidentally touching Loki's butt and when he was not punched for that, he also tried squeezing. Loki giggled and discovered how hard it is to walk with a boner. Everyone they passed knew what was going on, it was both awkward and arousing.

The music Tony chose was horribly distracting and noisy, was it rock or metal or something worse, Loki had no idea. The only thing saving him from a severe headache was a very thorough preparation. He began to think that for Tony it was not just a boring necessity. He expertly moved his fingers, gently in one moment and seconds later hard, while Loki fisted the sheets and ordered himself not to come. When Tony had enough, Loki was turned onto his back, bent in half and his left leg was hooked over Tony's shoulder. Not just for the easier access, that kinky Tony wanted a foot near his mouth. Loki laughed nervously, still not quite ok with Tony's obsession but it didn't hurt and he had already banned so many sexy things.

He assumed the aggressive music would make Tony more violent than usual, yet to his disappointment, Tony quickly lost his fast rhythm, too preoccupied with the foot. Loki shifted and realised he didn't have much leverage to fuck himself on Tony's cock. He settled for clenching down on it to stay interested. Left with nothing better to do, he listened to the song currently playing. Instead of a stream of creative swearings or a constant repetition of _death_ and _dead,_ he heard something ominous and familiar, 'Let me show you how I love you, it's our secret, you and me but keep it in the family tree.' Loki's blood ran cold. Did he finally lose his mind? Was that a hallucination, one of his biggest fears? Or, maybe Loki's main mental problem was actually paranoia. He was leaning towards that explanation as a loud voice in his head yelled that Tony specifically picked that particular song to taunt him. A song about childhood incest? Who would want to have sex to it? Tony didn't show it bothered him in any way, he casually tongued at Loki's foot and sucked the toes, one by one. The singer continued the ominous tale, warning victims not to trust their predators. What on earth was happening? Was the song real? What inspired the lyrics? Loki felt his face blushed hotly and a pang of panic shook him. What if Tony believed Natasha and wanted to check Loki reaction to the song? And so far Loki was doing everything to prove he found it relatable. What a disaster!

'What is it, Lokes?' Tony asked lightly 

'Nothing,' Loki said laconically. What a smooth move, not at all suspicious. 'I'm just bored.'

Tony needed another moment to satisfy his fetish and finally was ready to continue what they'd started. 'Turn around. Ass up, head down.'

Loki wanted to snarl or otherwise show he was not too pleased with Tony's orders, yet found himself following them without a word. As soon as Loki lifted his bottom, a warm hand covered his nape, applying a tiny amount of pressure. It was enough to reawaken Loki's desire. He folded his arms under his chin and sighed, feeling the press of Tony's dick into him. He braced himself for hard fucking and was surprised by the tender touch of Tony's hand on his forearm. Tony took hold of Loki's left wrist and pulled it back, then the other and joined them on the small of Loki's back and gripped them with an admirable strength. Lying face-first on the bed and inhaling the smell of his pillow, Loki thought he could not be more turned on. He forgot about the song and Natasha, and the rest of his problems. Tony was done with a gentle approach, finally, restraining Loki in such a sexy way had to have a huge effect on both of them.

'You look so hot right now,' he rasped and started to fuck Loki, long, full thrusts that reached deep, so deep that Loki's lower back began to hurt a bit. It seemed Tony was stabbing Loki's spine with his cock. 'So open and begging to get fucked hard.'

Loki wasn't begging. He couldn't even form a coherent thought. His hands were trapped in Tony's grasp, regardless of his insincere attempts at freeing them. He moaned constantly and the fabric of the pillow against his open mouth became damp with drool. Tony was now ruthless with him, the obscene sound of skin slapping was almost as loud as Loki's whines.

Almost there, almost, Loki thought frantically, just don't ruin the orgasm with odd thoughts. And naturally, he instantly recalled _his_ face, saw it as clear as if it was a photograph, right in front of him. Dammit! The worst thing to contemplate right before a climax. Every time the haunting image returned to Loki, it took him a while to forget about it and usually involved muttering 'no' and shaking his head fast. He did just that and although it worked, he panicked. Tony was still there and witnessed Loki's mini breakdown. He paused and asked if Loki was ok. Of course! Like a normal person would. Without wanting to, Loki thought of all those times when his distress was ignored or soothed with 'I'm close, just one moment.'

'What? Was it too hard?' Tony continued while Loki desperately tried to get a grip on himself. Deep breaths, in and out, slowly. It was all going great with Tony, but Loki just could not help himself and had to ruin the mood. _No, no self-hatred, that wasn't helping, think normal thoughts, maybe something sexy? Wait, say something first, Tony's waiting._

'Fine,' Loki said at last, 'I started to think about my mother.' Yeah, what a brilliant excuse. No one sane wants to think about their mum while having sex. Tony bought that and resumed the hard work of bringing them both to the sweet release.

 

Tony brought popcorn for their next date. That was so weird, popcorn was only for movie nights, right? To make matters worse, Tony announced he added shredded chocolate to the popcorn while it was still warm and the chocolate melted nicely. Sweet popcorn? What an outrage! A blasphemy! Loki grimaced but decided to give it a try, took one piece and chewed it. Oh God. It tasted like heaven. Sweet, slightly savoury, crunchy and so good!

'Yeah, you like it,' Tony smirked, 'everyone loves chocolate. Maybe I should get chocolate sauce and lick it off you.'

'That sound messy and sticky.'

'You mean sexy. And you need to wash your sheets anyway, your cum is everywhere when I'm done with you.'

Talking about sex without crying was actually quite entertaining. Life was getting better, day by day. Loki rewarded himself with a handful of the chocolate popcorn. Normally he ate like a civilised person but the new version of popcorn was so insanely irresistible that it turned Loki into a super greedy popcorn monster. He regretted that as soon as he felt a strong pain in his mouth. One of the kernels was stuck between Loki's tooth and the gum. 

Loki looked away, overwhelmed by the pessimistic thoughts. The kernel would not come out and Loki was not going to see a dentist. That was another tragedy of his life. Apart from the normal dentophobia, victims of abuse have a separate reason not to have their teeth treated. A person that was raped orally finds everything that happens at the dentist's triggering. Keeping a mouth open, allowing someone to insert something there and waiting for it to just end already. On top of that, Loki had a phase as a young teenager, when he didn't take care of his body and rarely brushed his teeth. That and associating dental treatment with sexual abuse caused serious problems. Loki was sure at least two of his teeth had to be extracted. He hoped flossing and using mouth wash would somehow cure him and replace regular dental visits. There was no way he could show the state of his teeth to anyone or admit how long he neglected his dental health.

The worst case scenario did come true. The kernel was stuck for good. Days passed and neither chewing gum or flossing helped, the gum was swollen and ached constantly. Loki accepted his inevitable death caused by a popcorn-related infection, rather than searching for a reasonable solution. He imagined his teeth would just fall out since the gums were not in the best condition. His misery was interrupted by Tony's attempts at contacting him. Loki was too downcast to see him. Also, it would be unsanitary to share a kiss.

After a week, Tony came over, uninvited. He said Loki sounded ill over the phone, so he came to check on him. There was no point in lying that everything was all right, Loki already showed Tony his red, tear-streaked face.  

'Popcorn? The popcorn we had _last week_? Goodness, Loki, and you didn't see a dentist? Show me where it is, I'll try to get it out,' Tony offered and rolled up his sleeves.

'No, no, bad idea.' Loki shook his head fervently and cringed away, just in case. Tony might grab him and use force. 

'Did you try to remove it?'

'Yes, but it's very deep.'

'So you have to go to a dentist. Did you make an appointment? Never mind, give me the number and I'll make the call.'

'You don't understand,' Loki said, not quite sure how to finish that conversation and return to waiting for the kernel to damage his gums and eventually kill him.

'You are scared and haven't seen a dentist in a while, I get it. Fine, I'll find you someone,' Tony decided, at least one of them was good at problem-solving.

'No, it's really not necessary,' Loki mumbled, secretly wanting Tony to arrange everything. In situations like that he needed someone to push him, otherwise he would give up without fighting. Like when he deliberately missed the last bus because one of the passengers frightened him. 

'Lokes, you do realise it'll take 30 seconds to get the kernel out. You will not even have enough time to freak out. You want me to go with you?'

'Yes. And I need a female dentist. Female. Not a man,' Loki insisted, hoping that would be enough to endure the procedure without bawling his eyes out. Women are more gentle and kind and none of them hurt Loki so far.

 

The night before the visit Loki was in the full anxiety mode. Less than an hour of sleep, a quick shower to unwind, a cup of lemon balm tea, but his jaw was clenched and although he skipped dinner the previous day, he was nauseous. His whole body tensed so much he had troubles moving. When Tony knocked on the door, Loki seriously considered pretending he was not home. 

Tony was convinced that it was nothing more than the common dental fear and clearly didn't expect to see Loki on the verge of a panic attack. 

'There, there, Lolo, it'll be all over soon,' he promised, 'we can have ice cream afterwards. Or coffee or pie.' 

Loki barely heard him and allowed Tony to lead him (or drag him) to the waiting room. At that point, he was shaking really badly. Tony tried everything to distract Loki- from rubbing his back and kissing his cheek to saying that dentists themselves do not enjoy having dental check-ups, but it's a necessity for everyone. He chatted cheerfully about his newest invention (an intelligent coffee maker???) and his list of kinks worth exploration, unaware of how annoying that was. Then the door opened and Loki was asked inside. 

'You'll be fine, Loki, you can do this,' Tony comforted him once more and squeezed his ice cold hand. 'I'll wait here.'

Right, Loki had to do it alone.

The exam room was as terrifying as expected, the characteristic strong smell and the dental torture devices on display. Loki repressed the instinct to run away and sat down in the big chair before he had a chance to faint. That was the right moment to tell the truth. Ask for extra patience and extra understanding because of his past. He was not the first person that would do that, obviously, and it was not an unreasonable request. Plus, dentists are used to dealing with mortified patients.

'Popcorn kernel, right?' The female dentist said lightly and gave Loki an encouraging smile. 'Open your mouth.'

Loki was trembling and breathing erratically. He couldn't do it, couldn't. The dentist showed him what device she would use and promised it would not hurt. It took a couple more minutes of her talking to him like to a scared child. Loki knew he was not only prolonging his own misery and since the calm words of the dentist didn't ease the tension, he might as well let her remove the kernel.

As soon as he opened his mouth wide, he began crying silently. There was no point in controlling his emotions any more. He shut his eyes tightly, gripped his thighs hard enough to bruise and a moment or two later the damned kernel was out. A tiny brownish thing. The gum was going to heal soon. An intense feeling of relief resulted in more tears. So it was really over? The dentist was not a sadist and actually helped him? What an unexpected turn of events.

'All done! You've been very brave,' the dentist said without a hint of sarcasm. Loki was too embarrassed by his meltdown to even look at her.

On his shaky legs, he made his way to the waiting room, well aware of how alarming his appearance was. Unflattering blotches on his face and neck, tears dripping from his chin, eyes puffy and red. Of course, he forgot tissues and had to use his sleeve, which wasn't the best choice. A young girl waiting for her turn stared at him in horror, wondering what tortures were inflicted on him.

'There you are!' Tony crossed the room towards him and pulled Loki into a comforting hug. The gesture was greatly appreciated, although it was unexpected. Loki knew how irrational his behaviour was from the perspective of a normal person and yet Tony didn't make him feel like he was blowing a simple thing out of proportion.

'See, it wasn't that bad. I knew you could do this,' Tony said as he was helping Loki put on his coat. 'That's how it's done. Better than  _stop being such a baby, Tony, man up,_  right?'

Once again Loki was struck with an unpleasant thought that he was not the only man whose childhood was difficult. Tony suggested he had some troubles with his father and judging from the tone of his voice, it never stopped being hurtful. Loki wanted to say something nice and let Tony know that he was not like his father, but whatever problem Tony had was less important than Loki's. He did think he was the most wounded and unlucky man in the whole world and other people's worries were always less dramatic by comparison. Tony might have daddy issues but at least his teeth were healthy, so what was he complaining about? Loki sighed silently, he really was the worst boyfriend. At least he knew he was a piece of crap.

 

Later that day, after the promised ice cream with Tony, Loki's severe anxiety subsided at last and what was left was an extraordinary sense of accomplishment. He wrestled with himself and won. Another memorable milestone. Sure, it wouldn't be possible without Tony, but it was Loki who had to keep his mouth open, even though it was such a strong trigger for him. Never mind his teeth still needed medical attention, what mattered was that first, tiny step that he made, even if it looked more like crawling. He felt compelled to write a post about it and the replies were not a surprise. Yes, he made it hard on himself, yes, everyone would have been much more understanding and gentle with him had he told the truth. Yeah, yeah, nothing new. Someone mentioned how well Tony handled the crisis, although he didn't know the real cause of it. Loki agreed and it crossed his mind again that Tony deserved a better boyfriend than him. A person that would care about his feelings, too. Someone less focused on themselves and their suffering. However, Loki was not ready to end their relationship yet. It was oddly beneficial for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony was listening to Megadeth's 'Family tree'. 
> 
> Thanks once again for support, I appreciate it. Sorry it took so long to update, I didin't want a short chapter. I was almost done earlier this week but Hannibal the Cannibal was cancelled. I had to mourn this loss first. Once again, thank you for reading and your patience.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, subscribing and kudos, suggestions are most welcome.


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